Fighting, Disappointment, and Despair

 Five Things I’m Grateful For:

1. Sometimes, if I have a chance to think about it, I can really seem to move the needle on my mood.
2. My idea to get air circulating in the garage to try out the foam was successful.
3. I don’t fucking have anything else for today.

Don’t have the energy, no song today. Wife and I got in a fight. Her parents were going to be here, so we were going to get to do a little adventure for my birthday. I already had a really hard time coming up with what I wanted to do. Have a hard time thinking of things that I’d find enjoyable. Decided the best I could come up with was getting burritos and going on a hike. Air quality turned out to be terrible and the only place I could find that had only marginally unhealthy air quality was about 40 minutes away. This was too far for Hanna’s comfort, which pretty much brought our options down to doing something inside, at which point I couldn’t think of a single activity I wanted to do inside. We’ve been trapped inside pretty regularly for the past month or so due to the fires. Found a calculator to see how many cigarettes you’ve smoked with the air you’re breathing.

 I find this intolerrable, especially given my intense interest in moving. Sometimes when all you have is a hammer, everything really does look like a nail with this being no exception. I made a comment about how this felt like a bait and switch. We get a break from the child, but can’t actually use it, and even though we can go somewhere it is too far. This means that the original plan would have failed too. Getting food, getting to a hiking location, doing a short hike, eating, driving back would at best be 2.5 hours.

Doesn’t help we’re in a pandemic which leaves 0 options open indoors. The comment about the housing was returned with an analogy about if everything I tried to do for my partner was thrown back in my face as some sort of failure with TDAmeritrade. That pretty much ruined the rest of the evening for me, and I am still recovering the next day. I already know I am depressed, have terrible sleep and chronic exhuastion, a child who annoys the shit out of me (she finally went to sleep after 3 hours of trying, 4 times telling us she has to poop, and just in general driving us nuts), trapped inside from smoke, live in a place that I hate, during a pandemic, and threw out my back lying on a bed. Really struggling to find the positives today.